there's a reason for everything

i'm up early this morning for no reason. mind racing. thoughts scattered. i have no clue why i am reflecting on things that have happened in my life. i dont live in the past, but it often amuses me to think of all that i've been through...all that my family has endured. i can hear my sister say, "u think u deep..u aint deep." the though of that annoys me as i type. i hate when she's surprised that there's more to me than hair, femininity, and fun. and y does everything u write have to be "deep"? what happened to just venting? ...rhetorical question...anways i was laying in the bed, tossing, turning. i gave into my restless mind and just laid there staring at the ceiling as if it had answers. my back was killin me...i was tryna erase the random pain that it was causing me. during that time, my mind began to wander back to memories of living in a cramped one bedroom apt with my mom and brother off Don Tomaso in L.A. i used to be so embarassed to know all my friends lived across the hill in Windsor Hills or down the hill in Baldwin Hills...it bothered me for so long. nobody knew and that's the way i liked it. it was hard to go to school each day knowing all these kids had everything i ever wanted. for once i wanted to experience being spoiled and live in a nice home. i got over it eventually and became thankful for knowing i had a place to live. after all we just came from somone's couch so a 1 bdrm was looking pretty great. i remember the day two men broke into the apt...still to this day i'm not too crazy about the idea of living alone. my mom got dressed for work as my brother and i slept in the bed next to her empty spot that she occupied. 45 minutes later i heard her ar start and she was off to work. i turned over to go to sleep, but for some reason i couldn't fall asleep like i wanted to. finally i got a little satisfaction and my eyes close. i can't fully enjoy it because i hear this scratching noise at the door, but i ignore it because i think its the neighbor trying to get into her apt after a late night. the next thing i remember is the moment when i realize i'm about to die. i see two shadows creep into the apt and in that split second all i could think of was saving my lil brother because he had more life to live. after all i was 13 and he was 5. i sat up in the bed, put a pillow over his head, and bunched him up in the covers creating the illusion that i was a wild sleeper and nothing was there but pillows and covers pushed to the side...i was trembling because all i had on was an oversized t-shirt and panties. my pants were on the floor which let the two men know they were off. a guy ran in the room...at that moment i knew he was going to rape and kill me. i had already given up on being spared. he stood there and glared at me, i glared back. he knew i was scared, he could see it on my face. i knew he was confident, but he seemed a lil nervous...i could tell he was debating on what exactly he should do. a knife was in his hand...i wondered what he was going to do with it. it's amazing to me how during the entire time all i could think of was my brother. i prayed in my mind over and over for the Lord to spare him because he was just a child. i prayed even harder that he'd remain sleeping so he wouldn't witness anything that took place. i didn't pray for my own life to be spared. i don't understand why i gave up on myself so quick. God obviously had a different plan for me because the man began walking towards me, but right before he got to the bed his friend ran in the room and told him they had to go because we didn't have anything worth taking. they both looked at me and ran out. to this day i am grateful for growing up with nothing just for that moment. if i had all the things i'd seen in my friends' houses in the hills, it's a definite possibility that my virginity and life would've ended right there. there's a reason for everything...we may not know why things happen the way they do, but there's definitely a purpose for it. -Love, Lala